You Had One Job

We’ve already established that the crossovers between DC ComicsOne of the two biggest comic publishing companies in the world (and, depending on what big events are going on, the number one company), DC Comics is the home of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and just about every big superhero introduced in the 1930s and 1940s. and the Aliens v PredatorOriginally two separate franchises, the Alien and Predator series came together first in a series of comics and video games before, finally, Fox Studios merged them together is the Alien v Predator film franchise. franchise were pretty terrible (see also: Superman/Aliens, Green Lantern Versus Aliens). While bad, they were fun to read, giving a very campy, very silly reading experience that was at least enjoyable. What I never expected, though, was that I’d read one of these and be utterly bored. How hard is it to mash a superhero up against a space monster and make something exciting, silly, and fun?

Very hard, apparently, because we’ve finally reached one of these books that was an utter chore to get through. Published in 2000, Superman vs. Predator pits Big Blue against one of the best killers in all of space… sort of. While that’s the fight that’s promised on the cover of the book and by its own title, the fact is that this book seems almost afraid to actually have the two title characters meet each other and battle it all out as required by the crossover. Instead of it being Superman battling a Predator it’s more like Superman shows up, does a few things, waves at a Predator, and then goes home. Everything you’d expect from a crossover like this is set aside, for no good reason, simply to pad out an otherwise threadbare story.

In point of fact, the book really isn’t about Superman battling a Predator at all. It’s really a tale of Superman going up against a crazed scientist who has dreams of creating a perfect genetic utopia for humanity by killing off ninety percent of the population. And then, most of the way into the book, the Predator shows up for some reason, some people die, and then the book ends. It’s one of the most unsatisfying reads I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying a lot considering none of the crossovers are good. Even by that low bar, this book still fails.

Superman is called to the jungles of Central America to help a STAR Labs team led by Rollins, to investigate a weird artifact they detected. It is, in point of fact, an alien spaceship, and by all accounts it could be the find of the century. Superman goes on the ship first to make sure it’s safe, but he accidentally sets off a booby trap, getting sprayed in the face by an alien virus. Very quickly he starts to lose his powers, struggling against the disease, and that leaves the team vulnerable to attack by a band of mercenaries that also detected the artifact and have come looking to claim it.

Fleeing into the jungles, the STAR Team and Superman are eventually caught and dragged to an underground Aztec temple. There they are met by Dr. Ward, the mad scientist, and he tells them all about his plan for the future of humanity. Superman is, of course, appalled by the plan and refuses to sign on. He and the team flee, but it’ll be hard for them to make their escape with the mercenaries on patrol. And, worse, there’s someone else in the jungle, someone looking to hide the evidence of his civilization’s existence. Someone that will kill anyone that gets in his way.

Superman is called to the jungles of Central America to help a STAR Labs team led by Rollins, to investigate a weird artifact they detected. It is, in point of fact, an alien spaceship, and by all accounts it could be the find of the century. Superman goes on the ship first to make sure it’s safe, but he accidentally sets off a booby trap, getting sprayed in the face by an alien virus. Very quickly he starts to lose his powers, struggling against the disease, and that leaves the team vulnerable to attack by a band of mercenaries that also detected the artifact and have come looking to claim it.

Fleeing into the jungles, the STAR Team and Superman are eventually caught and dragged to an underground Aztec temple. There they are met by Dr. Ward, the mad scientist, and he tells them all about his plan for the future of humanity. Superman is, of course, appalled by the plan and refuses to sign on. He and the team flee, but it’ll be hard for them to make their escape with the mercenaries on patrol. And, worse, there’s someone else in the jungle, someone looking to hide the evidence of his civilization’s existence. Someone that will kill anyone that gets in his way.

As far as I’m concerned, a crossover book pitting a DC superhero against a space monster has but one job: make the superhero fight that space monster. When Superman went to the bottled city of Kandor, he very quickly fought xenomorphs. When Kyle Rayner went to Mogo to battle aliens, the comic didn’t keep the Green Lantern away from the aliens. No, both of those books knew what people were there for: to see a superhero battle against creepy aliens in kick ass fashion. And yet Superman vs. Predator seems to be utterly disinterested in having the title duo actually fight. Hell, it seems like it doesn’t even want to be a Superman vs. Predator book at all. It spends most of its time on the genetic utopia plotline right up until the last issue of the book when it finally acts like the writers’ editor passed them some notes saying, “hey, where’s that Predator at?”

Written by David Michelinie and Alex Maleev, Superman vs. Predator is a bad crossover book. But if I’m being really honest, it’s a bad book no matter who is at the center of it all. The mission essentially boils down to Superman goes into the jungle, comes out, goes in, comes out, does this a few more times until enough pages have been wasted on nothing happening, and then he resolves the conflict within a few pages. Case closed. There’s not much story to this story, just a lot of filler and padding to draw it all out.

And that would be fine if the book actually did this for the central duo. If Superman, say, kept getting chased out of the jungle because he got his ass kicked by a Predator over and over, that would be one thing. Sure, the story would still have had to tie itself into narrative knots to create a space virus that just so happened to specifically weaken Superman so he could be vulnerable enough to find Predators a threat, but still, at least we’re getting regular fights between the two characters we came for. That’s not the case.

Quite frankly, this story is too simple for Superman to handle. A mad scientist creating a death ray that would wipe away 90 percent of the population is a tale from 1950s Superman, not the character’s more current books of the era. It’s the kind of silly, underbaked tale that would have taken up ten minutes of an half-hour-long episode, and would have required the actors to do a lot of mugging and improvising just to drag it out to full length. And that’s how it feels here, too. There’s no real urgency to the story, no sense of impending doom. Everyone takes their time, walking into and out of the jungle over and over until, finally, the death ray is stopped in the last few pages of the book. It’s tired, and silly, and stupid, but never in a fun way.

Even when we finally do get a battle between Superman and the Predator it’s underwhelming. The Predator attacks because Superman seems vulnerable (which, of course, is something a Predator wouldn’t normally do). They throw a couple of punches, and then they both stop and, silently, agree there’s a bigger threat they have to deal with. That’s it. Maybe three pages or so of fighting and then the one thing we came here to see is over in less time than it took to set it all up. And none of it makes sense.

Look, I know these books are bad. I revel in just how terrible they truly are. I picked up a bunch of them, for cheap, because they’re big, dumb, stupid larks and I love them. I’ve never hated one of these books before, but with Superman vs. Predator I have to revise that statement. This book sucks. It’s just absolutely terrible. It’s tired and boring and never once finds a way to make its central, silly premise fun. Hell, it seems ashamed it has to even be a crossover between the two franchises. It’s a bad book and, unlike the others of this weird crossover series, I know I’m never going to read Superman vs. Predator again. This is a hard skip, through and through.